Dreadz With An Attitude

I’ve been sitting around for a couple of months trying to think of what else I need to do to feel free. The moods were changing way too often. I would be happy and ok one minute, then lying in bed just down so low, the carpet covered my head. Then a few days later it would be like nothing happened. I wasn’t quite sure where my mental health was trying to go.

I’ve carried a lot of emotional baggage in my mind. We’re talking all the way back to when I started Kindergarten. Firstly, that’s a hell of a memory, secondly, that shit gets heavy after awhile. Every time I thought I was ok, something would trigger me and I would spiral again.

I thought moving to Dubuque, all of that would change, but it didn’t. I needed to figure out how to shake all the garbage I’ve carried throughout life. Wasn’t sure how to do it, or should I say I wasn’t quite ready to do the steps I knew I needed to do to free myself. Unfortunately, sometimes you can get used to being in a spiral and that becomes the only feelings you have. You start to think it’s ok because at least you’re feeling something. Ahh, but everyone has a breaking point, at least I finally reached mine.

My biggest issue is I am still friends with most of the people from my past relationships. Now, they’re each idiots in their own way, but hey (fist bump on the chest) I’m still their for them. I do seriously question my stability when I see what I’ve allowed into my life, but that’s not what this is about. My other issue is I carry a lot of anger for my parents, ok a lot more than anger, but again, this isn’t about that.

Those that know me well, know I am Pagan. It’s kind of funny because when I had my surgery three years ago, the priest came in my room and asked what religion I wanted to put on my paperwork. I told him I’m Pagan and he took a step back, collected himself and said, we should just leave it blank. He then left me some pamphlet on Catholic teachings. I had a good chuckle as I put the pamphlet under some papers that weren’t seen. But this isn’t about that either.

I’ve gotten more into my path and my intuitions. I’ve been pouring myself into it and it’s been very freeing. I started looking into cordcutting, the ritual of cutting emotional ties with people that no longer serve your purpose. Now, I researched this for a month,ways to properly do it so that it works. Then I found an article on why you shouldn’t cut the etheric cord between you and another. Well, that article made me think twice for a couple of weeks. It says cutting the cords could hurt the other person or you leave yourself open to continuously attract the same type of people, maybe worse. I’m tired of choosing people that are mental drains and psychic vampires, so I panicked. Only for a little bit.

Cutting the etheric cord doesn’t mean you won’t be friends with someone. Although that can very well happen. It’s cutting the emotional cord between you and another person that has formed because of some type of relationship. It’s releasing hurtful bonds and freeing yourself from mental drainage these hurtful bonds can create.

So, I decided to do the ritual. I made a list of 15 people I wanted no emotional attachments to, nothing at all. That list included family, friends and of course all of my past relationships. It says once you do this ritual, you’ll feel it. You might feel tired, emotional or headaches. Well, I had an instant headache and I walked into the wall. So I added a little shoulder pain to go with the headache.

The relief for me was instant and I’ve never felt so free. I can talk with these people and not feel anything emotional towards them and wish them well. Do they know what I did? I’m sure they have a sense I did something because my conversation is lighter and they have no affect on me. Do the family members know? Well four are dead and the others, I could care less. A huge part of me wants to publish this list, but that serves no purpose.

Sometimes in life, we have to make decisions for better health, our mental health depends on it. It’s possible to talk with people and not allow the emotional carnage they cause to affect you. Cutting the etheric cords doesn’t have to end badly, you just have to decide when the cords are suffocating you and make steps to take care of yourself first. 🌞🌞

Today, I’m 52 and I’m thinking of what I’ve overcome the last few years. It’s been nine years since I’ve lost my mom and I’ve never really taken a good look at myself. I’ve never thought about my life after mom and how I’ve changed. Have I changed for the better, stayed the same or changed in a way that’s quite unbecoming? Have I learned any life lessons that will shape me for the foreseeable future?
Let’s see, prior to mom’s death, I realized that in my world, family doesn’t mean a lot. I’ve watched my father beat my mom and endured mental abuse by mom. I’ve learned that so called friends that say they will be there are only talking out of the side of their necks. I’ve learned I have crappy taste in choosing a partner. And I fondly remember my first crush and laugh thinking if the person knew it…. Especially since that person is super religious and very conservative. I’m so not even close to anything like that😂
My view of the world was pretty jaded. But, have I changed? When Mom passed away, I felt relief. I listened to all the niceties people were shucking and thought they really had no clue who this woman really was. There were those that knew she was abusive and kept their mouths shut all these years. Hmm, these people are assholes. Guess I haven’t changed that much. Nah, still calling it as I see it.
Since the loss of the dearly departed, I’ve endured illness, the death of another useless person in my life and just an overall distrust of life. I think I was blindfolded during my 40’s and maybe I had become a not so nice person. Guess that counts as a change, huh? It’s hard living life as a bitter person. It’s even harder not having trust in anyone. Life after mom has had me questioning everything I ever knew. I didn’t know who was real or who just wanted to hang on. When I hear people say nice things about either parent, I cringe. To say I got the shit end of the stick for parents is an understatement. Maybe I haven’t changed so much in this case.
So let’s move on to this 52nd trip around the sun. Am I different, am I actually better? Well, once again, I’ve picked the wrong partner. However, I vow this won’t happen again. I trust only my son, I know he won’t drop me. I trust my medical team, I know they won’t kill me.
I’ve come to learn that I can count my actual friends on a few fingers, everyone else just happens to be people I know. I’ve learned the same people that always say they’re there, on social media, are just reposting to keep up with everyone else. I call them the pretenders. I’ve learned that the very people that consider me a friend have never invited me to their homes. I’ve learned that these same people would never really help anyone but themselves, but hey, it looks good on social media.
Maybe I haven’t changed much after all. Maybe that’s not a bad thing. Maybe that’s what makes me keep going. Sometimes I miss my mom, most of the time I don’t. I’d like to believe I haven’t become an unbecoming person, but hey, we all have shortcomings. I have definitely learned things that will carry me forward.
I’m not sure where this next trip around will take me, but I do know what I hope to do to make it a great trip. First and foremost, remove myself from the misdeeds and malfunctions of my upbringing. It made me what I am but it no longer serves me. Next, I have to trust myself more, listen to my instincts. Most times, my instincts are right and I find a reason to not trust them. Well, that will change. I will continue to follow my path and embrace it to the fullest. I like being different and sitting back watching all the social media preachers. I often wonder what the reaction would be if I kept shoving my beliefs down everyone’s throats. Sigh, that’s a subject saved for another time.
I find my time is better spent promoting positivity. Encouraging others knowing someone needed that in their moment of sadness or unstillness. I also like to encourage people to take better care of their health and be more proactive. I like to uplift my son and make sure he knows he’s perfect as he is and it’s ok to make mistakes.
This next trip around finds me in a very good place. Yes there is always room for growth and new lessons to be learned. I’m excited to buckle up for the adventure and can’t wait to share it. That crush I mentioned earlier??? Yep, I still have that crush, don’t hate. I doubt that person will ever know, it’s my little secret, shhh. For now, I’m going to do a birthday reading and watch football. I’m excited for the next chapter in my life’s book. For my friends, my door is really open. If you need something and I can help, I really will help. If you need an ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on, I really am just a phone call, text, tweet or video chat away.
Finally, in nine years, I can thank my mom for all the lessons, good and bad. I can also say it’s ok to let go of all of that, I’ve got this now. It’s going to be ok. Cheers to 52!
🌞🌞