Journey to Myself

Today, I’m 52 and I’m thinking of what I’ve overcome the last few years. It’s been nine years since I’ve lost my mom and I’ve never really taken a good look at myself. I’ve never thought about my life after mom and how I’ve changed. Have I changed for the better, stayed the same or changed in a way that’s quite unbecoming? Have I learned any life lessons that will shape me for the foreseeable future?
Let’s see, prior to mom’s death, I realized that in my world, family doesn’t mean a lot. I’ve watched my father beat my mom and endured mental abuse by mom. I’ve learned that so called friends that say they will be there are only talking out of the side of their necks. I’ve learned I have crappy taste in choosing a partner. And I fondly remember my first crush and laugh thinking if the person knew it…. Especially since that person is super religious and very conservative. I’m so not even close to anything like that😂
My view of the world was pretty jaded. But, have I changed? When Mom passed away, I felt relief. I listened to all the niceties people were shucking and thought they really had no clue who this woman really was. There were those that knew she was abusive and kept their mouths shut all these years. Hmm, these people are assholes. Guess I haven’t changed that much. Nah, still calling it as I see it.
Since the loss of the dearly departed, I’ve endured illness, the death of another useless person in my life and just an overall distrust of life. I think I was blindfolded during my 40’s and maybe I had become a not so nice person. Guess that counts as a change, huh? It’s hard living life as a bitter person. It’s even harder not having trust in anyone. Life after mom has had me questioning everything I ever knew. I didn’t know who was real or who just wanted to hang on. When I hear people say nice things about either parent, I cringe. To say I got the shit end of the stick for parents is an understatement. Maybe I haven’t changed so much in this case.
So let’s move on to this 52nd trip around the sun. Am I different, am I actually better? Well, once again, I’ve picked the wrong partner. However, I vow this won’t happen again. I trust only my son, I know he won’t drop me. I trust my medical team, I know they won’t kill me.
I’ve come to learn that I can count my actual friends on a few fingers, everyone else just happens to be people I know. I’ve learned the same people that always say they’re there, on social media, are just reposting to keep up with everyone else. I call them the pretenders. I’ve learned that the very people that consider me a friend have never invited me to their homes. I’ve learned that these same people would never really help anyone but themselves, but hey, it looks good on social media.
Maybe I haven’t changed much after all. Maybe that’s not a bad thing. Maybe that’s what makes me keep going. Sometimes I miss my mom, most of the time I don’t. I’d like to believe I haven’t become an unbecoming person, but hey, we all have shortcomings. I have definitely learned things that will carry me forward.
I’m not sure where this next trip around will take me, but I do know what I hope to do to make it a great trip. First and foremost, remove myself from the misdeeds and malfunctions of my upbringing. It made me what I am but it no longer serves me. Next, I have to trust myself more, listen to my instincts. Most times, my instincts are right and I find a reason to not trust them. Well, that will change. I will continue to follow my path and embrace it to the fullest. I like being different and sitting back watching all the social media preachers. I often wonder what the reaction would be if I kept shoving my beliefs down everyone’s throats. Sigh, that’s a subject saved for another time.
I find my time is better spent promoting positivity. Encouraging others knowing someone needed that in their moment of sadness or unstillness. I also like to encourage people to take better care of their health and be more proactive. I like to uplift my son and make sure he knows he’s perfect as he is and it’s ok to make mistakes.
This next trip around finds me in a very good place. Yes there is always room for growth and new lessons to be learned. I’m excited to buckle up for the adventure and can’t wait to share it. That crush I mentioned earlier??? Yep, I still have that crush, don’t hate. I doubt that person will ever know, it’s my little secret, shhh. For now, I’m going to do a birthday reading and watch football. I’m excited for the next chapter in my life’s book. For my friends, my door is really open. If you need something and I can help, I really will help. If you need an ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on, I really am just a phone call, text, tweet or video chat away.
Finally, in nine years, I can thank my mom for all the lessons, good and bad. I can also say it’s ok to let go of all of that, I’ve got this now. It’s going to be ok. Cheers to 52!
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