Dreadz With An Attitude

Finally actually starting PT. It took a week for my insurance to clear, so here I sit waiting. Kind of empty in here, there’s one old man sitting here and he looks bored to death. I’m ready to be tortured, I think.
I feel like I sound give them a hard time, that’s just so me. Part for the course though,I spent most of last evening being put in time out by a four year old. I could make this really fun and just mess with these people. There’s just something sadistic about moving by parts in ways they don’t normally move.
This journey will last at least six weeks, I really don’t think things will be different when this is over. Multiple Sclerosis does some strange things to the body. I didn’t Know all these other things would happen. Each new occurrence I’ve learned to just go with the flow.
So, as this journey starts, I’ll just ride it out. I’m sure some days will be better than others and I’m sure not looking forward to staying awake I the mornings. Oh bother, it’s almost my turn. We’ll just set this aside from a bit…
Well that wasn’t so bad, I’m only stiff as a dang board. I’m walking in rigor, geesh. Hopefully I’ll loosen up some, but I not going to hold my breath. Today, I actually felt all of my 48 years. Each year after 25 was personally screaming at me saying ; “payback for all the years of torture you put me through, gotcha!” The body is funny like that and mine thinks it’s a friggin comedian. I swear it laughed at each little stretch I tried to do.
So, as I’m lying on the table, squeaking out these stretches, I kept getting a whiff of something foul. I didn’t think anything of it at first, but it kept happening. I looked around and the only person next to me was this lady. There’s something about people manipulating your body that seems to dredge the very depths of one’s digestive system; most notably the bowels. Whatever that lady ate prior to getting here we coming back at her and the whole area. Of course the decency of manners eluded this woman.
Funny how you notice the smallest details when you step out of your comfort zone. Physical therapy isn’t my idea of fun, but it’s needed. While I have to go through it, I guess I’ll just observe every little detail around me. If you know me, you know that’s big, I don’t notice to much outside my own head. I hope each session doesn’t have me next to a person with a foul wind issue. First week done, it didn’t kill me. Multiple Sclerosis be damned,I got this. Until next week… ~just my two cents~

CL. Anderson

Here I sit, another new thing to start. Multiple Sclerosis is a gift that keeps giving. It’s not like one can wish it away, you have to wish for one day to be better than the other. Now it’s PT time, but not for the MS. Nope, it’s for degenerative disc disease in my back and fibromyalgia. All of this is a partner with MS. Shitty partners to have.
I’m supposed to have therapy two to three times a week for four to six weeks. I’m going to push for the lower end of those numbers. It interferes with my sleep schedule; oh wait, I don’t have a sleep schedule. I think my neurologist just likes clumping a bunch of things together and then putting a label to it. Heck, for that matter, my primary doctor does the same thing. I firmly believe that it shouldn’t take forever and a day to figure out what’s going on, but I don’t control the system.
I’m sitting in the waiting area and looking around at other people. They’re looking at me trying to figure out why my fingers are moving crazily on my phone. I’m already starting to sweat, yes, heat does get to me. I’m also sweating because I’ll have to talk to these people. They seem friendly, but I think it’s just an act before they torture folks. Now is when all the crazy thoughts start running through my head. What if my stomach growls too loudly. What if I rip a big one while doing the exercises. Come on now, you think about those things sometimes. I’m just willing to say it. Yep, too much waiting time on my hands.
Round one will be in the books today, then I’ll over think the next times I have to come. I’m sitting here thinking, I’m already dizzy and I don’t need them to make me more dizzy. There I go over thinking again. Maybe it’s the friggin’ heat in this place. Have you ever gone someplace and just watch people? Of course, I would do that.
These therapists look so young; insert growling stomach here. There are so many walking around and calling people towards the back. Not me, I’m sitting here over thinking this situation. I’m look at the flaws in the walls and trimming, once a carpenter, always a carpenter. I’m the only one left, guess that makes me next. Insert stomach growling louder.
I think I’ll take you all on this short journey. Short and sweet blogs, hopefully it makes you smile. At the very least, you’ll know that I’m not taking any of this too seriously. I have to be able to laugh at this. My turn!
Well, that wasn’t so bad. We’ve discovered I am super tight and the limbs and back don’t want to give at all. We also figured out that my vertigo causes a lot of issues when I have to move my head. So now we wait for the approval from my insurance to set up a schedule. Stay tuned for adventures in physical therapy. I’m sure it will be an interesting ride. ~Just my two cents~

CL. Anderson
I’ve done so many things in my life, some I’m proud of, some that have left me scratching my own head. It’s weird that I sit here and can think about all these things and remember the emotions that tagged along.
I remember when I was in Kindergarten, I had to go to the local college because my mom worked there and my brother was in pre-school there. I thought I had found a baby mouse and I stoned it to death. When I showed an adult, they quickly told me it was a baby chipmunk. I felt so bad that I didn’t want to eat for a few days. To this day, that still bothers me. Guess that means I have a heart.
Why that memory touches me so much all these years later boggles my mind, but that’s only one thing in a long list. I won’t bore you and go into every single one, just some that make me chuckle now. Of course there are the ones that pissed me off as well.
We’ve all had our share of bad relationships or bad hook ups. I may be the only person who had it play out over a work phone in an unknown three way conversation. Yep, I was busted big time. My first thought was, super black should have stayed back. Should have followed my own words. Those that know me will know what I mean by super black. For me, personally, those are the ones to throw back. I overcame that fiasco. Mainly because that person wasn’t too bright in the first place. Yep, I went there.
There’s the one that had firecracker hair. That may be my biggest regret. Now I look back and think, coyote date. Yep, went there again. That one just really messed me up and the other party could care less . Hmm, should have set them out in the sun with no sunscreen. Burn baby burn.
I’m also guilty of being the type of person that won’t be seen with people I feel are unattractive. Shallow I know, but no regrets on that one. Now, that could get me in hot water with quite a few people, but in my defense, that sentiment has been backed up by others. Hmm, maybe I should invest in stronger glasses. It’s hard to be out publicly when people look at you cross eyed because of who you’re around, so I don’t do it.
I used to take my mom’s car when she slept. As I got older, I did regret that one. As much as I regretted that, I still found it funny years later. She really had no clue. That goes right into drinking the vodka and replacing it with water. Hmm, I’m starting to think I was a misguided teen. Maybe a little misguided, but ahh, the good old days.
Throughout the years there’s been plenty of things I’ve done and there’s been no regrets at all. I used to work in a prison, that was crazy, but no regrets. I had a child with no intentions of getting married, never regretted that. Heck, he’s the fodder for a lot of my writing. I joined an elite group of women when I became a carpenter, no regrets there either. I do regret some of the photos I took just to scare the hell out of my mom.
I once threatened an old lady who decided it was her mission to pick on my nine year old son every morning while he was waiting at the bus stop. I would have beaten the tar off that old lady if she hadn’t stopped. No Regrets for having said that to her. It worked. I didn’t hear of another incident involving her. Cue the mother bear roar.
There was a time when my son threw a rock at a bus and cracked a window, he was all of nine. I don’t regret secretly thinking, damn my boy has a good arm. It was true, I think the bus was moving when he hit it. Of course I’m not supposed to say things like that, but boy, what an arm.
I often write about me keeping my son away from the old man’s people, unapologetically. When my son was younger, the old man wanted me to bring him around more. It wasn’t so the family could get to know him, it was to show off and make comparisons. Believe me, there was nothing to compare. I made the decision to pretty much keep both of us away… nope, no regrets.
I guess the bottom line is, own the decisions you make, good or bad, and do so with as little regrets as possible. No one is obligated to be happy with, nor accept, what you have or have not done. I think if you live life the way others want you to do, meaning not live your truth, you will have regrets. Who the heck wants to go through this short life with regrets?
This week’s message was a tongue and cheek way of not having such a heavy discussion. A break from being over serious if you will. It might sting some a little and it may cause a chuckle with some. Just remember, I write to please no one and there’s no regrets about that. ~just my two cents ~

CL. Anderson
I wake early to do nothing. I usually go back to sleep about an hour later. It’s hard, super hard to wake up these days. To be so tired should be some sort of misdemeanor; guilty your honor, guilty as can be.
As I roll out of bed, my goal is to walk about 20 feet to the bathroom without “Roger” the wall trying to walk with me. You see, “Roger” has become such a close friend, I’ll be damned if he surely wasn’t welcomed in my world. But my world has changed. Ahh, today is a good day. Those are quickly becoming a rare luxury.
If I manage to not have lengthy conversations with “Roger”, there’s also “Cecil” the floor who could be waiting to give me a great big “how do ya do” greeting. Lately, “Cecil” has been missing in action, I’m happy about that. I meet him on days when my feet feel like they were switched at birth. Stand up, walk a little, and boom; hello “Cecil”. I’ve been doing well as of late, if stubbing your toe every time you turn around is doing well. Missing the days of grace, when I didn’t have to have myself wrapped in bubble wrap.
There’s medicine to semi wake up, medicine to help me walk and medicine for this disease. I’ve also got medicine to bring me up and medicine to deal with the mood swings and headaches. I am my own personal pharmacy. I’m a functional zombie, I really don’t like that.
Energy levels drain quickly and I mentally start counting my spoons. I give myself at least 20 spoons a day, if you know what the spoon theory is, that will make sense to you. By midday, I’ve depleted half my spoons and yet I have nothing finished. Damn the disappearing spoons. Once they’re gone for the day, you start trying to conserve and use the rest sparingly. There’s nothing worse than borrowing spoons from the next day. That means starting the next day already exhausted and depleted.
Dishes get done, maybe a little vacuuming and then the need to sit down. By now the arthritis I didn’t know was in my back starts to let me know it’s at full attention. So much so that it affects my walking and my sitting. Oh yea, there’s pain medicine for that too. Nothing helps the stabbing pain, not even the zombie state of life I’m in.
My speech gets worse as the day goes on and me being the backwards person that I am, my eyes don’t want to feel left out. By the end of the day, someone has to read things to me due to optic neuritis causing wicked hell with my vision. They wonder why I have anger issues. Yep, there’s a pill for that too.
If I go out, that’s a bonus. However, I have to stop frequently and rest. I try not to go out often, I hate slowing people down. I don’t drive too far anymore at least not alone. I’m apt to get lost in my head and become disoriented. I have two friends that I will really make the effort to see, if we can set a date to get together. It’s not often that we meet up, but that time is cherished.
By the end of the day, I have jacked up speech and crappy vision. I’m tired, but not tired. Once again, there’s more pills. This time to make me fall asleep. It only takes three or four hours to kick in. My brain wouldn’t relax at night and I would be up all night. I would have these weird conversations with myself and not remember. So, at least, I do get some sleep now.
A lot of this I can joke about, I have to admit, it can be very funny. I’m aware that eventually I’ll have to be more serious about it, I’ll be ready when that time comes. For now, it’s funny that I walk and just kiss the floor, or that sometimes, I forget how to swallow. Sometimes laughter really is the best medicine.
I miss being able to use my hands completely. I miss my tools, I was a good carpenter. I miss the days when I was faster than everyone else. I know the day will come that I will need the walker I have or use my cane more, but right now stubbornness and vanity is not letting that happen. Yes, a round of applause for vanity!
I don’t write for anyone to feel sorry for me, if you do then you aren’t a right fit for me anymore. I can laugh and joke and have a great time, I can even forget I have this crazy disease sometimes. I’ve found myself backing away from people that drain me. Funny how people online can be draining. So if you don’t see me on Facebook often, just follow me on Twitter, I’m always there.
This is just a glimpse into a typical day living with MS for me. It has its ups and downs, but my family is able to laugh at me (they say with me) and go on about their day. I can’t hide from it, but I do my best to keep it out of site as much as possible. Could you handle one day like this? Many couldn’t, heck no one would want to. We take the cards we are dealt and make them work in a different way, a way that works for us. ~just my two cents~