What’s up my good people!!!! It’s been a long while but here I am. For those that have missed my blogs, I apologize. Life sort of got in the way and well, just sucked the writing juices right out of me. Let’s jump right in…
I woke up on Solstice around 2:30 in the morning. Nothing was wrong and I felt fine, just woke up for no reason. My thoughts started getting a little heavy so I put my obsidian on my forehead between my eyes. Lying there, with flowing thoughts, I wanted my mind to explore these thoughts deeper. My third eye was seeing incredible hurt on one side, but bright light at the end.
The light at the end is a culmination of 16 years of what can go wrong, will go wrong. I have a testimony y’all! As I lay there, watching the events play back to me, one thought came to mind… Fuck the last decade and then some! That’s right, fuck it! Take it out to the garbage, it’s done and I’m over it. Now I know some of you are thinking how one can say that about so many years and be so callous about it. For me, it’s easy and I’m just that raw type of person. I call it as I see it and I’m not trying to be everyone’s sugar coated cup of tea. Hell, I don’t even like tea, so put that in your pipe and smoke it.
Now, I believe in karma, curses and the divine. I read Tarot cards, worship nature and bless the universe. I’d be fake if I said that during this time, I felt all had failed me and sort of left me hanging on to an invisible rope that was choking my ass. I also believe in blessings, blessing up and providing positivity to everyone. With that said these past 16 years have been hellish and felt like a burning pit that nothing could cool and soothe.
Sixteen years ago, my brother called me when I was on the job site, asking for money. He called often for that reason and it always bothered me he never called to check on his Godson, my son. As usual, I didn’t ask what he needed the money for and told him I would send it at the end of the day. After work, I sent the money and went home, that was a Friday. Two days later, my mom called and asked if I had heard from him. I told her I had talked to him a couple of days ago why. Without hesitation she said “He’s dead”! Of course, I didn’t know what to say and I hung the phone up. She spent the rest of her life blaming me, saying I knew he was dealing drugs, when in fact, I didn’t. I remember breaking my toe that night looking for my sperm donor to tell him his only son was dead. Not very pleasant to say the least.
It was a circus from there on out and I was convinced I had the dumbest parents on earth. Now, at this time I was starting to see someone, so you know, new relationship and boom a death. Interesting way to start things. I always try to keep it interesting.
Let’s pass the funeral… That was one loss. My partner moved in and now I had an extra five mouths and my mom to feed. I must admit, I loved it. Then I got hurt on the job and was down for three months. Money got tight really quick. Mom suddenly forgot bills are due monthly and did nothing to help. She was never much help anyway. Getting past all that, I made it back to work and started getting sick a lot. What sucked about that was no doctor could figure out what was wrong. I kept being told I had viruses and given drugs. I thought I had to be the most virusy (not a real word folks) person I knew. That went on until I got really sick and my boss threatened to call an ambulance unless I went home. Other things happened which ended up ending my carpenter career in 2006…another loss.
Now my partner was enjoying the money, as were the kids. Weekly tanning sessions, hair appointments and nail appointments. The money was still coming in for a long time, until it wasn’t. I ended up losing my house through this time and no one batted an eye, another loss.
We moved to an apartment and things were a little better. At that time, I started to feel stuck. I’ve never liked my home state or my parents. I just didn’t belong. Things continued to not go well and I couldn’t see a way out. I was getting sicker and no one knew why.
My mom moved to Vegas in the middle of 2010 and expected me to follow. She was really salty that I didn’t want to go. I didn’t want to move my son from his friends. Our conversations were always tumultuous, we just didn’t like each other. She always said she wanted to go be with “her baby”. I got tired of hearing it. One day she told me I was going to miss her when she was gone and I said she was too damn stubborn to go anywhere. She was dead a week later. Another loss. Now, I’m thinking I am cursed, some higher power hates me. In the meantime, my partner says “Well you two didn’t get along anyway”. Bitch, that was still my mom, my headache, my big ass cross to bear.
I finally got a diagnosis of MS in 2012. Anyone see this pattern here? My partner became my headache. I started the journey to getting disability. That took five years. By this time all my money had run out, so finally being approved was perfect. Then, as luck would have it, I was diagnosed with colon cancer. I had surgery to remove 12in of my colon. Now I’ve lost part of my body. Things were getting worse I never saw my money; I shared an account with my partner and the bills were paid from there. Now, I paid my half of the rent, but my money also went towards credit card bills that weren’t mine. My life was becoming a living hell.
I was becoming depressed and the doctor had me on 16 different medications. The more I complained about it the more meds I got. I was gaining weight and not able to walk up the stairs. I stopped going out and shut the world out. Every day I talked to my son and told him I was stuck I want out, every day. Suicide was quickly becoming my only option and it was like my partner didn’t hear me. More like didn’t want to hear me.
Things got worse in February and it was just a downhill digression into hell. The money had stopped coming in for me and I had to depend more on my partner as I fought to get it back. After a while, I started to notice things were going wonky and I still wasn’t getting answers. Basically, the money had stopped and I became a burden. Why do I say this? I was told I had become a burden. The mental abuse was real and no one heard me. Death was creeping closer and no one would notice. At least that’s what I thought.
I hit rock bottom in June and my relationship ended, I was asked to leave the only place I called home. Another loss. My son scooped me up and brought me to Iowa to be with him. Saying he saved my life is an understatement. Once I put my pride together and got myself right mentally, I stopped taking all the meds. I found good doctors and got my disability back. My now ex partner says I was a “sick bum” Yeah, the one that wasn’t supposed to let me fall, knocked me way down.
Now, that light at the end of the tunnel??? I’ve lost all the weight I’ve gained, I’m extremely happy to be with my son living in Iowa. I have good doctors and not a lot of meds. I have money flowing in to help out and still have a little left to hit up Amazon. I’ve met some really nice people that aren’t fake. I love being the sunshine for someone else because I understand what it’s like to have someone you love dim your light.
As for the ex, well, seems like happiness eludes her. She sounds depressed trying to sound happy. She has no money and a lot of debt. That same debt she tried to say was because of me, when the truth is she had that debt before I came along. I still keep in touch with two of the kids, the oldest one believes the lies he’s been told and I’m at peace with that.
I’m not going to judge, but it sure seems like the whole time this person was in my life, I lost. Now that it’s all over, I feel like I’m finally winning. Things are finally going right and the future looks very bright. My son is my hero. I finally believe I’m a good person and deserve so much better than what I had. I’ve lost my blood family and my choice family and I’m ok with that. I still have my son and that’s perfect. I’ve started a new journey and I’ve decided my hair is going on this journey as well. So yeah fuck the last 16 years and here’s to a new decade with bright blessings! 🌞🌞
Dreadz With An Attitude 